The Virgin Prince's War Journal
The grim and gritty side of things. If everyone had a soundtrack to their lives, mine would be the best.
Tuesday, December 23, 2003
The Best Christmas Movie of All Time
My recent bar-room adventure with Blitzen has gotten me thinking about the best films of the season. A popular favorite is It’s A Wonderful Life. It should come as no surprise to many of you that Wonderful Life bombed and was largely considered a failure upon it’s initial release. The huge build-up behind the film has come as a direct result of the fact that it has been shown on television nearly every year since it’s release. Now I would say the film is by no means bad. It’s quite entertaining. Who could forget the part where the floor to the high school dance opens up and everyone falls in the pool? That’s bitchin’! It was always to my regret that the floor to our high school gym didn’t open up similarly.
Another popular favorite is Miracle on 34th Street. Anyone you ask will tell you the original is the best, and I tend to agree. Just the same, as a child I always found the film boring. I mean, what kid wants to see a film with a lengthy courtroom scene? A courtroom scene may get you instantaneous approval for the Lifetime Television Network, but children and 30 year old single mothers have very different minds. The film does have it’s merits however. You get to see a drunken Santa Claus in a Christmas Day parade, and you also get to see Santa get pissed and sock someone in the face. You just don’t see enough of that these days.
The one we used to always watch as kids was the animated short, The Snowman. This film was made even more wholesome by way of an introduction by the mascot of forbidden love, David Bowie, who claimed to be the boy in the film. It was a silent film with musical accompaniment about a kid who builds a snowman that then comes to life. They cause a little trouble, then go flying around the world, eventually meeting up with a bunch of other snowmen and Santa himself. Of course, then they go back home and the boy goes to bed. The next morning, surprise, surprise, he finds the snowman melted to death. This movie always made me cry as a kid.
Fucking Snowman.
My dad’s favorite Christmas film is without a doubt A Christmas Story, a delightful story that stresses the importance of BB guns to growing boys. Although it is without a doubt one of the greatest Christmas films ever made, I have seen it far too many times in my short life for it to hold any entertainment value for me anymore. I have it memorized. The film is good though, and I recommend watching it if you want to see what Scottie Shwartz looked like before he was a fat pornstar. Not many people know it, but this movie spawned 2 sequels with different actors. I got to see a little bit of one where Charles Grodin played the father.
There’s been a ton of Christmas films made, so it goes without saying that there’s a whole bunch of films I won’t be mentioning. Some, such as Santa Claus vs. the Martians, aren’t even worth mentioning. However, I would be remiss in my duty if I did not mention Scrooged, and Ernest Saves Christmas. Some of you may shudder at the thought of an Ernest film. I don’t care. Ernest Saves Christmas rocked! As for Scrooged, can Bill Murray really do any wrong? He’s already got Groundhog’s Day covered.
I’ll tell you the best Christmas film of all time though. It’s the Laurel & Hardy classic, The March of the Wooden Soldiers. There’s no doubt this is the best. Disney later remade it as the ultra-crappy Babes In Toyland, complete with their own generic fat guy and skinny guy (cast members from their Zorro films) used for comic effect. But this one is the true original and by far the best. It is also one of the only times Mickey Mouse appears in non-Disney film.
For that matter, Mickey Mouse is played by, you guessed it, a monkey! 1930s brilliance! It goes without saying that Laurel and Hardy are absolutely brilliant. As for the rest of the characters, well they’re all fairytale characters. Santa ties into the story by ordering 600 1 foot tall wooden soldiers for Christmas. Luckily, Laurel builds 100 6 foot tall soldiers instead, which helps out greatly at the end when the heroes have to fight an army of bogeymen. Long before that Robin Williams piece of crap Toys came out, the greatest toy fight scene ever had already been filmed.
I could go on and on about the brilliance of March of the Wooden Soldiers, but it’s better if you just watch it. So go ahead and grab it if you should be looking for a Christmas film this holiday season. Or, you could just be like me and celebrate Festivus, in which case, any movie about Romans, pirates, or ninjas would work. If Festivus IS your holiday of choice, allow me then to suggest Caligula, Muppet Treasure Island, and Remo Williams. Happy holidays!
Another popular favorite is Miracle on 34th Street. Anyone you ask will tell you the original is the best, and I tend to agree. Just the same, as a child I always found the film boring. I mean, what kid wants to see a film with a lengthy courtroom scene? A courtroom scene may get you instantaneous approval for the Lifetime Television Network, but children and 30 year old single mothers have very different minds. The film does have it’s merits however. You get to see a drunken Santa Claus in a Christmas Day parade, and you also get to see Santa get pissed and sock someone in the face. You just don’t see enough of that these days.
The one we used to always watch as kids was the animated short, The Snowman. This film was made even more wholesome by way of an introduction by the mascot of forbidden love, David Bowie, who claimed to be the boy in the film. It was a silent film with musical accompaniment about a kid who builds a snowman that then comes to life. They cause a little trouble, then go flying around the world, eventually meeting up with a bunch of other snowmen and Santa himself. Of course, then they go back home and the boy goes to bed. The next morning, surprise, surprise, he finds the snowman melted to death. This movie always made me cry as a kid.
Fucking Snowman.
My dad’s favorite Christmas film is without a doubt A Christmas Story, a delightful story that stresses the importance of BB guns to growing boys. Although it is without a doubt one of the greatest Christmas films ever made, I have seen it far too many times in my short life for it to hold any entertainment value for me anymore. I have it memorized. The film is good though, and I recommend watching it if you want to see what Scottie Shwartz looked like before he was a fat pornstar. Not many people know it, but this movie spawned 2 sequels with different actors. I got to see a little bit of one where Charles Grodin played the father.
There’s been a ton of Christmas films made, so it goes without saying that there’s a whole bunch of films I won’t be mentioning. Some, such as Santa Claus vs. the Martians, aren’t even worth mentioning. However, I would be remiss in my duty if I did not mention Scrooged, and Ernest Saves Christmas. Some of you may shudder at the thought of an Ernest film. I don’t care. Ernest Saves Christmas rocked! As for Scrooged, can Bill Murray really do any wrong? He’s already got Groundhog’s Day covered.
I’ll tell you the best Christmas film of all time though. It’s the Laurel & Hardy classic, The March of the Wooden Soldiers. There’s no doubt this is the best. Disney later remade it as the ultra-crappy Babes In Toyland, complete with their own generic fat guy and skinny guy (cast members from their Zorro films) used for comic effect. But this one is the true original and by far the best. It is also one of the only times Mickey Mouse appears in non-Disney film.
For that matter, Mickey Mouse is played by, you guessed it, a monkey! 1930s brilliance! It goes without saying that Laurel and Hardy are absolutely brilliant. As for the rest of the characters, well they’re all fairytale characters. Santa ties into the story by ordering 600 1 foot tall wooden soldiers for Christmas. Luckily, Laurel builds 100 6 foot tall soldiers instead, which helps out greatly at the end when the heroes have to fight an army of bogeymen. Long before that Robin Williams piece of crap Toys came out, the greatest toy fight scene ever had already been filmed.
I could go on and on about the brilliance of March of the Wooden Soldiers, but it’s better if you just watch it. So go ahead and grab it if you should be looking for a Christmas film this holiday season. Or, you could just be like me and celebrate Festivus, in which case, any movie about Romans, pirates, or ninjas would work. If Festivus IS your holiday of choice, allow me then to suggest Caligula, Muppet Treasure Island, and Remo Williams. Happy holidays!
