The Virgin Prince's War Journal
The grim and gritty side of things. If everyone had a soundtrack to their lives, mine would be the best.
Monday, January 19, 2004
George W. Bush: A.D.D. President
Friends and Foes,
Too long has it been since I've written. Too long since the gelatinous orbs in your skulls took in the vision of fresh, new literary finery. Too long since your minds were reminded once more of my absolute magnificence. Suffer the blandness of your peon-minds no longer, the Virgin Prince has returned!
I've been ridiculously busy with work, crime-fighting, and vampire hunting, not to mention a few bouts of ceremonial combat in the underground mud-pits of the jade women, the warrior people that live in the center of the Earth. Three fierce female warriors I had to face, so that they might complete the ritual of attaining womanhood. Indeed, at times during the grappling match, it felt that I myself had likewise achieved manhood. Though I held my own, the fighters initially overwhelmed me with an attack I had never seen before, "the camel-toe-stomp". Indeed, the girls were well-trained, I very nearly submitted. After nearly passing out from lack of oxygen, I quickly adapted, and repelled the comely lasses once more. Strange that they should know what camels are, down deep within the center of the Earth.
A recent phone conversation with Rush Girl reminded me of my annoyance with Bush. Now that we've successfully landed two rovers on Mars, suddenly the prez wants to build a base on the moon and send people to Mars, this within 15 years. NASA has been saying we're at least 30 years from going to Mars, but what would they know? Conversely, it's well known that everyone that gets a cushy position in the National Guard is well-trained in astrophysics, with extra lessons given to those that abandon their posts. And in order to properly run an oil company into the ground, one must first have a complete knowledge of our current technological ability.
And where will the money come from for this ridiculously large project? Never fear, Bush has it all planned out. The cost will of course be paid by the middle and lower class families of our fair nation, thanks to extra taxation. But fear not, the upper class will do it's part as well, no doubt providing future well-paid NASA staff and astronauts, courtesy of their expensively, and therefore better, educated children.
The saddest thing of all is that NASA has pulled the plug on the Hubble telescope, probably our greatest achievement in space in recent years, due to El Presidente's mandate. Though it continues to function properly and still maintains great potential, the Hubble will be allowed to turn into space-junk and drift off, so that we can focus instead on the fantastic trip to Mars. I hope they make sure to pad the ship with garlic for protection against space-vampires and rainbow-tracking software for finding pots of gold. The crew will have to be the best of the best, namely Papa Smurf, Frankenstein, Strawberry Shortcake, the Little Prince, and Falcor, the luck-dragon. Gee, I sure hope they don't lose any teeth during the voyage, that'd be a long way for the tooth-fairy to travel.
At least Hubble is a reality.
Of course, this is the problem with a president that has the mental development of an 8 year old boy. An 8 year old boy with a coke habit. We send a few rovers to Mars and suddenly Bush realizes that space is cool, having already outgrown his collection of Yu-Gi-Oh cards. "We're gonna build a space station on the moon and go to Mars!" he proudly exclaims. If we'd found a new dinosaur fossil instead, I have no doubt that Bush would have promised us Jurassic Park in 15 years. Oh well, all that's left to do is wait for Bush to get bored and move back to an interest in cowboys, or Pokémon.
As Johnny Cash said, “There’s a silver lining behind every cloud.” I have glorious news as well! William Shatner is coming out with another album. Thank god! It’s about time. Those Priceline commercials have been off the air for some time now, and the only recent song on a cd is his “Still In Love” song with Ben Folds. Wait, I take that back. There’s also “Miss United States” from the Miss Congeniality soundtrack. But prior to that, we hadn’t heard from him since “The Transformed Man”, and woefully, that is out of print.
The new album was produced by Ben Folds of course, who likewise was on the Priceline commercials with old Bill. The album will also feature guest appearances, including Kris Kristofferson and Henry Rollins. Perhaps, with a little luck, when this album comes out later this year, it’ll prompt a rerelease of “The Transformed Man”. A man can hope. I have my happy thought!
All this, plus an upcoming Batman movie that WON’T be horribly destroyed by Joel Schumacher and his homosexual fantasies. Well I’d better get going, there’s a burrito shop out there that needs patrolling, but I’ll be back tomorrow, and with tales of grand, new adventures! Try not to go incontinent as you wait until then.
Be seeing you,
The Virgin Prince
Too long has it been since I've written. Too long since the gelatinous orbs in your skulls took in the vision of fresh, new literary finery. Too long since your minds were reminded once more of my absolute magnificence. Suffer the blandness of your peon-minds no longer, the Virgin Prince has returned!
I've been ridiculously busy with work, crime-fighting, and vampire hunting, not to mention a few bouts of ceremonial combat in the underground mud-pits of the jade women, the warrior people that live in the center of the Earth. Three fierce female warriors I had to face, so that they might complete the ritual of attaining womanhood. Indeed, at times during the grappling match, it felt that I myself had likewise achieved manhood. Though I held my own, the fighters initially overwhelmed me with an attack I had never seen before, "the camel-toe-stomp". Indeed, the girls were well-trained, I very nearly submitted. After nearly passing out from lack of oxygen, I quickly adapted, and repelled the comely lasses once more. Strange that they should know what camels are, down deep within the center of the Earth.
A recent phone conversation with Rush Girl reminded me of my annoyance with Bush. Now that we've successfully landed two rovers on Mars, suddenly the prez wants to build a base on the moon and send people to Mars, this within 15 years. NASA has been saying we're at least 30 years from going to Mars, but what would they know? Conversely, it's well known that everyone that gets a cushy position in the National Guard is well-trained in astrophysics, with extra lessons given to those that abandon their posts. And in order to properly run an oil company into the ground, one must first have a complete knowledge of our current technological ability.
And where will the money come from for this ridiculously large project? Never fear, Bush has it all planned out. The cost will of course be paid by the middle and lower class families of our fair nation, thanks to extra taxation. But fear not, the upper class will do it's part as well, no doubt providing future well-paid NASA staff and astronauts, courtesy of their expensively, and therefore better, educated children.
The saddest thing of all is that NASA has pulled the plug on the Hubble telescope, probably our greatest achievement in space in recent years, due to El Presidente's mandate. Though it continues to function properly and still maintains great potential, the Hubble will be allowed to turn into space-junk and drift off, so that we can focus instead on the fantastic trip to Mars. I hope they make sure to pad the ship with garlic for protection against space-vampires and rainbow-tracking software for finding pots of gold. The crew will have to be the best of the best, namely Papa Smurf, Frankenstein, Strawberry Shortcake, the Little Prince, and Falcor, the luck-dragon. Gee, I sure hope they don't lose any teeth during the voyage, that'd be a long way for the tooth-fairy to travel.
At least Hubble is a reality.
Of course, this is the problem with a president that has the mental development of an 8 year old boy. An 8 year old boy with a coke habit. We send a few rovers to Mars and suddenly Bush realizes that space is cool, having already outgrown his collection of Yu-Gi-Oh cards. "We're gonna build a space station on the moon and go to Mars!" he proudly exclaims. If we'd found a new dinosaur fossil instead, I have no doubt that Bush would have promised us Jurassic Park in 15 years. Oh well, all that's left to do is wait for Bush to get bored and move back to an interest in cowboys, or Pokémon.
As Johnny Cash said, “There’s a silver lining behind every cloud.” I have glorious news as well! William Shatner is coming out with another album. Thank god! It’s about time. Those Priceline commercials have been off the air for some time now, and the only recent song on a cd is his “Still In Love” song with Ben Folds. Wait, I take that back. There’s also “Miss United States” from the Miss Congeniality soundtrack. But prior to that, we hadn’t heard from him since “The Transformed Man”, and woefully, that is out of print.
The new album was produced by Ben Folds of course, who likewise was on the Priceline commercials with old Bill. The album will also feature guest appearances, including Kris Kristofferson and Henry Rollins. Perhaps, with a little luck, when this album comes out later this year, it’ll prompt a rerelease of “The Transformed Man”. A man can hope. I have my happy thought!
All this, plus an upcoming Batman movie that WON’T be horribly destroyed by Joel Schumacher and his homosexual fantasies. Well I’d better get going, there’s a burrito shop out there that needs patrolling, but I’ll be back tomorrow, and with tales of grand, new adventures! Try not to go incontinent as you wait until then.
The Virgin Prince
