The Virgin Prince's War Journal
The grim and gritty side of things. If everyone had a soundtrack to their lives, mine would be the best.
Friday, April 23, 2004
For Those Of You That Don't Sleep
Hello kiddies,
Work again, and here I sit, unshowered, unshaven, counting down the minutes until my next cigarette because I simply don’t care. I’ve given up my health-conscious diet in favor of bacon and beer, gleefully been sucking away at cigarettes, and sleeping less than five hours a night, simply because I can, simply because I don’t fear death but somewhat hope for it. I could care less for my appearance as I’ve come to realize once more as I did before that I am destined to live and die alone. This is fine. I have alcohol and cigarettes to keep me company. In the end, that’s all I need. It’s the only thing I can count on.
I’m caught in a lowly, depressed state, the type of place I normally don’t like putting any energy towards, but today feel incapable of escaping. There’s been a growing disillusionment, depression, unease, disappointment, self-loathing growing within my belly since my birthday days past, bubbling up towards the surface, but pushed down, suppressed for the past two weeks. But last night’s negative reinforcement, a thorough and repeated telling of what a failure I am by an outside source, the point of my mediocrity made, then reiterated, then reiterated again, and again, by someone else, has overpowered me. Feelings of hope, of joy, of love, and an overpowering ambition are gone. I simply feel nothing now, save for a constant stream of displeasure. I’ve given up. You are right. I am nothing.
I feel no passion about anything. Thus you are subjected to a depressing rant much like the ones of the depressed morons and idiot goths of our time. This, I would normally consider beneath me. Today, I do not care. The message I’ve been getting, the lesson I’ve been learning, is that it’s wrong to dream. Better and safer, then, to always accept the worst, to believe that no good is capable of happening. Fine then, but I’ve taken it a step further. I’ve taken this concept to its logical conclusion: without hope, what point is there? It makes me yearn for death.
Perhaps I should stop caring. I should just assume that Bush will win the election and the world will go to hell and the country will crumble. Because it is stupid to believe that I can do anything about it. It is stupid to believe I can make a difference. There is no point in trying. If I find a girl I care about, there is no point in pursuing her, for it will not work. Nothing good will ever happen. In reality, only bad things happen.
Why is it the only thing I take pleasure in is looking at pictures of Chernobyl? What is this comfort I take in emptiness and death? This is enough. I shall attempt to get past this, for to me, allowing one’s self to sink deeply into grand depression, and doing nothing but whine and help to reinforce those negative feelings always seemed to me to be the ultimate act of overly self-indulgent masturbation.
Alright, let’s soldier forward. Let’s think positively. I don’t feel good, but it does not mean I can not at least try to feel good.
Hmmm… nothing to write about.
This is why depressed people only write about being depressed. They are patently uncreative. Without passion, there are no ideas.
I don’t believe in writer’s block. That’s an excuse. A fall-back defense for uncreative-types.
I read the last issue of JLA/Avengers last night, I must say it was, as was the series from the start, an entirely disappointing read. This crossover was some 20 to 30 years in the making, and with all the hype surrounding the project, I must say the final result was something I wouldn’t wipe my ass with. Damn you Kurt Busiek! I wish the original project had been completed instead, from the sketches I saw, it looked a heck of a lot more interesting. George Perez drew a lot better then as well. Too bad that all it takes is a jackass like Jim Shooter to kill the hopes of untold fans.
Oh, mediocrity surrounds us. It’s in the casting and production of the Scooby Doo films. Who can stand Freddie Prinze Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar? They’re both utterly devoid of talent and personality. Freddie Prinze Jr. has no range or real ability to act whatsoever, in every role he simply plays Freddie Prinze Jr., and top this off, he hasn’t done a single decent film yet. But he gets steady work. It must be nice to have a famous father. Sarah Michelle Gellar, on the other hand, began with a strong start. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was actually fun to watch when they first started airing it on the WB. It got old, quick. By the fourth season the show had become tedious to watch, still, they dragged it out to a total of 7 or 8. Now, starring in the Scooby Doo films, she plays Daphne, which is really just Buffy in a red wig. The character of Buffy, itself, was just a polite version of Sarah Michelle.
I don’t suppose I can really say I care so much about the fact that the Scooby Doo films are crap, the original series was bad too. Poor drawing, piss-poor animation, boring stories, the same plot every week. It makes the very first Simpsons cartoons from the Tracy Ullman Show look like masterpieces by comparison. Who had the idea of adding canned laughter to a cartoon? Are we supposed to believe that there’s an audience watching the filming?
How about the music that gets on the air? Does anyone actually like Britney Spears? Does anyone actually think she’d stand a chance were she to compete in American Idol? That British dude would tear her to bits! Can someone explain to me why a novice like Beyonce is getting cast in movie roles in Hollywood? Or how she could possibly be the top contender for the role of Lois Lane? Maybe I just expect too much, more than most people. I suppose I expect more from people than just a nice ass.
How is Justin Timberlake a celebrity? For someone so alarmingly far from masculine, his womanizing, poor sense of style, and increasingly bad hair convinces me that he’s not gay. This is regardless of whether or not he makes his partners in bed wear a mask of his face. Why does Ashton Kutcher get praise, publicity, and roles galore when he’s clearly the least talented cast member of That ‘70s Show? Why the hell is Paris Hilton a celebrity? Being rich, skanky, and an idiot are not grounds for numerous articles, photo shoots, and television shows. Why are people making her even richer? She never even finished high school! She’s richer than you or I will ever be, has done nothing to earn it, and yet you are all helping to contribute to her wealth.
People of America, you are idiots! More than half of you at least. All of you that stand behind Bush, all of you that support the war in Iraq, all of you that don’t question anything and blindly believe what you are told, despite all the truth that’s gotten out. This country is crumbling to bits and you all are contributing to it by doing nothing. We are not progressing, we’re moving backwards. The boys in the cool hats were right, we ARE all DEVO. Pull your heads out of your asses and start paying attention to what’s going on! That is your only requirement. You CAN balance watching the Simpsons with knowledge of the fact that 700 American soldiers have died in Iraq, or that the number of Iraqi dead is in the thousands. You CAN watch American Idol and still be aware that Bush is preparing to start the draft up again. You CAN download movies of Paris Hilton’s night-vision lit form and still be aware of the atrocities being committed by the nation of Israel against Palestinians, or of the fact that Ariel Sharon (he’s the prime minister of Israel, you know) is being investigated for corruption and bribery, and that Bush is a huge supporter of his. Do you know that our country gives Israel something like 6 billion every year and they in turn use it to fund their near-genocide of Palestinians, doing things such as bulldozing the houses of Palestinian families? Or the fact that we gave Israel our nuclear technology, and they in turn tried to sell the technology to other countries, forcing us to buy back our own technology in order to keep it out of the hands of every country in the world? Does anyone else wonder why they’re considered our allies?
It occurs to me now that there’s just far too much out there for me to despise for me to be wasting my time feeling depressed. Depression be damned, I’m getting some shit done when I get home!
Be seeing you,
The Virgin Prince
Work again, and here I sit, unshowered, unshaven, counting down the minutes until my next cigarette because I simply don’t care. I’ve given up my health-conscious diet in favor of bacon and beer, gleefully been sucking away at cigarettes, and sleeping less than five hours a night, simply because I can, simply because I don’t fear death but somewhat hope for it. I could care less for my appearance as I’ve come to realize once more as I did before that I am destined to live and die alone. This is fine. I have alcohol and cigarettes to keep me company. In the end, that’s all I need. It’s the only thing I can count on.
I’m caught in a lowly, depressed state, the type of place I normally don’t like putting any energy towards, but today feel incapable of escaping. There’s been a growing disillusionment, depression, unease, disappointment, self-loathing growing within my belly since my birthday days past, bubbling up towards the surface, but pushed down, suppressed for the past two weeks. But last night’s negative reinforcement, a thorough and repeated telling of what a failure I am by an outside source, the point of my mediocrity made, then reiterated, then reiterated again, and again, by someone else, has overpowered me. Feelings of hope, of joy, of love, and an overpowering ambition are gone. I simply feel nothing now, save for a constant stream of displeasure. I’ve given up. You are right. I am nothing.
I feel no passion about anything. Thus you are subjected to a depressing rant much like the ones of the depressed morons and idiot goths of our time. This, I would normally consider beneath me. Today, I do not care. The message I’ve been getting, the lesson I’ve been learning, is that it’s wrong to dream. Better and safer, then, to always accept the worst, to believe that no good is capable of happening. Fine then, but I’ve taken it a step further. I’ve taken this concept to its logical conclusion: without hope, what point is there? It makes me yearn for death.
Perhaps I should stop caring. I should just assume that Bush will win the election and the world will go to hell and the country will crumble. Because it is stupid to believe that I can do anything about it. It is stupid to believe I can make a difference. There is no point in trying. If I find a girl I care about, there is no point in pursuing her, for it will not work. Nothing good will ever happen. In reality, only bad things happen.
Why is it the only thing I take pleasure in is looking at pictures of Chernobyl? What is this comfort I take in emptiness and death? This is enough. I shall attempt to get past this, for to me, allowing one’s self to sink deeply into grand depression, and doing nothing but whine and help to reinforce those negative feelings always seemed to me to be the ultimate act of overly self-indulgent masturbation.
Alright, let’s soldier forward. Let’s think positively. I don’t feel good, but it does not mean I can not at least try to feel good.
Hmmm… nothing to write about.
This is why depressed people only write about being depressed. They are patently uncreative. Without passion, there are no ideas.
I don’t believe in writer’s block. That’s an excuse. A fall-back defense for uncreative-types.
I read the last issue of JLA/Avengers last night, I must say it was, as was the series from the start, an entirely disappointing read. This crossover was some 20 to 30 years in the making, and with all the hype surrounding the project, I must say the final result was something I wouldn’t wipe my ass with. Damn you Kurt Busiek! I wish the original project had been completed instead, from the sketches I saw, it looked a heck of a lot more interesting. George Perez drew a lot better then as well. Too bad that all it takes is a jackass like Jim Shooter to kill the hopes of untold fans.
Oh, mediocrity surrounds us. It’s in the casting and production of the Scooby Doo films. Who can stand Freddie Prinze Jr. and Sarah Michelle Gellar? They’re both utterly devoid of talent and personality. Freddie Prinze Jr. has no range or real ability to act whatsoever, in every role he simply plays Freddie Prinze Jr., and top this off, he hasn’t done a single decent film yet. But he gets steady work. It must be nice to have a famous father. Sarah Michelle Gellar, on the other hand, began with a strong start. Buffy the Vampire Slayer was actually fun to watch when they first started airing it on the WB. It got old, quick. By the fourth season the show had become tedious to watch, still, they dragged it out to a total of 7 or 8. Now, starring in the Scooby Doo films, she plays Daphne, which is really just Buffy in a red wig. The character of Buffy, itself, was just a polite version of Sarah Michelle.
I don’t suppose I can really say I care so much about the fact that the Scooby Doo films are crap, the original series was bad too. Poor drawing, piss-poor animation, boring stories, the same plot every week. It makes the very first Simpsons cartoons from the Tracy Ullman Show look like masterpieces by comparison. Who had the idea of adding canned laughter to a cartoon? Are we supposed to believe that there’s an audience watching the filming?
How about the music that gets on the air? Does anyone actually like Britney Spears? Does anyone actually think she’d stand a chance were she to compete in American Idol? That British dude would tear her to bits! Can someone explain to me why a novice like Beyonce is getting cast in movie roles in Hollywood? Or how she could possibly be the top contender for the role of Lois Lane? Maybe I just expect too much, more than most people. I suppose I expect more from people than just a nice ass.
How is Justin Timberlake a celebrity? For someone so alarmingly far from masculine, his womanizing, poor sense of style, and increasingly bad hair convinces me that he’s not gay. This is regardless of whether or not he makes his partners in bed wear a mask of his face. Why does Ashton Kutcher get praise, publicity, and roles galore when he’s clearly the least talented cast member of That ‘70s Show? Why the hell is Paris Hilton a celebrity? Being rich, skanky, and an idiot are not grounds for numerous articles, photo shoots, and television shows. Why are people making her even richer? She never even finished high school! She’s richer than you or I will ever be, has done nothing to earn it, and yet you are all helping to contribute to her wealth.
People of America, you are idiots! More than half of you at least. All of you that stand behind Bush, all of you that support the war in Iraq, all of you that don’t question anything and blindly believe what you are told, despite all the truth that’s gotten out. This country is crumbling to bits and you all are contributing to it by doing nothing. We are not progressing, we’re moving backwards. The boys in the cool hats were right, we ARE all DEVO. Pull your heads out of your asses and start paying attention to what’s going on! That is your only requirement. You CAN balance watching the Simpsons with knowledge of the fact that 700 American soldiers have died in Iraq, or that the number of Iraqi dead is in the thousands. You CAN watch American Idol and still be aware that Bush is preparing to start the draft up again. You CAN download movies of Paris Hilton’s night-vision lit form and still be aware of the atrocities being committed by the nation of Israel against Palestinians, or of the fact that Ariel Sharon (he’s the prime minister of Israel, you know) is being investigated for corruption and bribery, and that Bush is a huge supporter of his. Do you know that our country gives Israel something like 6 billion every year and they in turn use it to fund their near-genocide of Palestinians, doing things such as bulldozing the houses of Palestinian families? Or the fact that we gave Israel our nuclear technology, and they in turn tried to sell the technology to other countries, forcing us to buy back our own technology in order to keep it out of the hands of every country in the world? Does anyone else wonder why they’re considered our allies?
It occurs to me now that there’s just far too much out there for me to despise for me to be wasting my time feeling depressed. Depression be damned, I’m getting some shit done when I get home!
The Virgin Prince
